Os privilégios dos pobres

"When I was a girl we were comparatively poor, but still much richer than most of the world, and when I married I became very rich. It used to worry me, and I thought it wrong to have so many beautiful things when others had nothing. Now I realize it is possible for the rich to sin by coveting the privileges of the poor. The poor have always been the favourites of God and his saints, but I believe that it is one of the special achievements of Grace to sanctify the whole life, riches included. (...)"

Brideshead revisited (1945), Evelyn Waugh

Humor negro

Para amantes do género, e mesmo para os que não o são, recomendo The loved one — An Anglo-American tragedy (1948), de Evelyn Waugh. O link é para uma edição alemã, ainda que contendo o texto original inglês, mas há em Portugal uma tradução do Jorge de Sena com o título O ente querido, pela Cotovia.

To flirt

"O tom perfeito da sociedade inglesa inventou uma palavra que não há nem pode haver noutras línguas, enquanto a civilização não as apurar. To flirt é um verbo inocente que se conjuga ali entre os dois sexos e não significa namorar — palavra grossa e absurda, que eu detesto —, não significa "fazer a corte"; é mais do que estar amável; é menos do que galantear; não obriga a nada; não tem consequências; começa-se, acaba-se, interrompe-se, adia-se, continua-se ou descontinua-se à vontade e sem comprometimento."

in Viagens na minha terra (1846), Almeida Garrett

É uma foda em seco, portanto.

Pragmatismo, o segredo da felicidade

"Aos quarenta anos casou com D. Evarista da Costa e Mascarenhas, senhora de vinte e cinco anos, viúva de um juiz de fora, e não bonita nem simpática. Um dos tios dele, caçador de pacas perante o Eterno, e não menos franco, admirou-se de semelhante escolha e disse-lho. Simão Bacamarte explicou-lhe que D. Evarista reunia condições fisiológicas e anatômicas de primeira ordem, digeria com facilidade, dormia regularmente, tinha bom pulso e excelente vista; estava assim apta para dar-lhe filhos robustos, sãos e inteligentes. Se além dessas prendas, — únicas dignas da preocupação de um sábio, D. Evarista era mal composta de feições, longe de lastimá-lo, agradecia-o a Deus, porquanto não corria o risco de preterir os interesses da ciência na contemplação exclusiva, miúda e vulgar da consorte."

in O Alienista (1882), Machado de Assis

Quantas vezes não é a capacidade de digerir com facilidade menosprezada numa relação...

Jardinagem

«In fact the only things in the flat Crowley devoted any personal attention to were the houseplants. They were huge and green and glorious, with shiny, healthy, lustrous leaves.
This was because, once a week, Crowley went around the flat with a green plastic plant mister, spraying the leaves, and talking to the plants.
He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did.
What he did was put the fear of God into them.
More precisely, the fear of Crowley.
In addition to which, every couple of months Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly, or succumbing to leaf-wilt or browning, or just didn't look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the other plants. "Say goodbye to your friend," he'd say to them. "He just couldn't cut it..."
Then he would leave the flat with the offending plant, and return an hour or so later with a large, empty flower pot, which he would leave somewhere conspicuously around the flat.
The plants were the most luxurious, verdant, and beautiful in London. Also the most terrified.»

in Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (1990), Terry Pratchett + Neil Gaiman

Literatura

"Pride and Prejudice and Zombies — Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton — and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy."

Sugestões lusitanas: "Menina, Moça e Cadáver", "Runas de Fogo", "O Evangelho Segundo Lázaro", "O Túmulo do Desassossego".

Dança Macabra

Totentanz (c.1455-1458), in Heidelberger Bilderkatechismus

Não havia nesta altura grande margem para expor um peito feminino. Se não fosse a Virgem a amamentar, teria que ser a morte ou um demónio. Era neste tipo de representações — alegóricas, infernais, pseudo-moralistas e pseudo-pedagógicas — que os artistas tinham normalmente espaço para pulsões pecaminosas. E até os teocratas têm sangue nas veias.

Puras intenções

"O cura arrastou Omer pela orelha até defronte do presbitério. Aí, largou-o finalmente e disse:
 — Omer, tu és o escândalo desta aldeia. Queres raptar uma rapariga que não quer nada contigo. Seduzir uma rapariga é uma má acção, meu filho!
Omer protestou:
 — Eu não quero seduzi-la, quero desposá-la. Que importa que ela não me queira? Deve o homem embaraçar-se das vontades das mulheres, que choram quando querem e riem quando podem?
O cura escutou-o com ar enternecido:
 — Omer, meu filho, as tuas intenções são puras..."

A Otmika (in O Heresiarca & Cia.), Guillaume Apollinaire

É perfeitamente compreensível

"Lo maté porque me dolía la cabeza. Y él venga hablar, sin parar, sin descanso, de cosas que me tenían completamente sin cuidado. La verdad, aunque me hubiesen importado. Antes, miré mi reloj seis veces, descaradamente: no hizo caso. Creo que es una atenuante muy de tenerse en cuenta."

in Crímenes ejemplares (1957), Max Aub

Cunt Coloring Book

«In 1973 I set out to do drawings of women’s genitals for use in sex education groups. I wanted the drawings to be lovely and informative, to give pleasure and affirmation.

I organized the drawings into a coloring book because a major way we learn to understand the world, as children, is by coloring. As adults many of us still need to learn about our external sexual anatomy. Coloring is a way for the child in each of us to revision and reclaim this portion of our bodies from which we have been estranged.

The Cunt Coloring Book, published in 1975, was immediately and wildly popular, although many people complained about the "awful" title. Three printings later, in 1981, the title was changed to Labiaflowers and the book virtually died. So much for euphemisms.»

in Cunt Coloring Book, Tee Corinne

Antínoo

«While bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured of his beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended from Olympus to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with the head of Medusa on it, she had the unhappiness to see the beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it. She straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him; but before this could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied him.

"This is a very bad Apollo," said the Sculptor: "the chest is too narrow, and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other. The attitude is unnatural, and I may say impossible. Ah! my friend, you should see my statue of Antinous."

"In my judgement, the figure," said the Critic, "is tolerably good, though rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly Tuscan, and therefore false to nature. By the way, have you read my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"»

The Critics (in Fantastic Fables, 1899), Ambrose Bierce

Escolha

Fernando Pessoa, António

"Tenho que escolher o que detesto — ou o sonho, que a minha inteligência odeia, ou a acção, que a minha sensibilidade repugna; ou a acção, para que não nasci, ou o sonho, para que ninguém nasceu.

Resulta que, como detesto ambos, não escolho nenhum; mas, como hei-de, em certa ocasião, ou sonhar ou agir, misturo uma coisa com outra."

in Livro do Desassossego, Bernardo Soares

O dilema

"It was eight in the morning, the train was not due to depart until nine-thirty, so I was one of the first on board. Unfortunately I was not the very first. When planning this journey I had taken special care to book a double-berthed sleeping compartment all to myself by buying two tickets (I shout certain things about the Pope in my sleep and it can cause offense and embarrassment) so I was well pissed off to find a pasty-faced teenager sitting bolt upright on one of my two bunks. Life is a minefield for the committed Marxist. I was immediately faced with one of those dilemmas which confront those who try and live their life right and ethical i.e. — should I eject the youth on the grounds that I needed sole use of the compartment, just in case I happened, in my solitude, to think up a totally new strategy for the annihilation of monopoly capitalism? Or should I let an obviously needy proletarian fellow-traveller enjoy a little bit of luxury even if he hadn't paid good hard-earned fucking money for it? In the end I decided to let him be for the present, but if he started telling me about his racing pigeons I'd write an anonymous note to the ticket inspector and have him thrown out. The lad in question said nothing but stared straight ahead. 'Three kopeks short of a rouble,' I thought."

Train to hell (1984), Alexei Sayle

"Three kopeks short of a rouble" equivale a dizer "não joga com o baralho todo". Aqui encontra-se uma lista de alternativas. Alguns exemplos:

• It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

Xenofobia

Num livro dos Monty Python — The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok (sic), publicado em 1973, com três aparições anteriores nesta espelunca —, encontra-se reproduzido um número do folheto The Biggot, de e para xenófobos ingleses. Um excerto:

"HOLIDAYS

If you must go to the continent, here are some of the places to visit:

• The British Embassy, 35 Rue du Faubourg St. Honoré, Paris 8e
• The British Embassy, Friedrich Ebert Allee 77, Bonn
• The British Embassy, Via Conte Rosso 25, Rome
• The British Consulate, Herengracht 460, Amsterdam
• The British Chamber of Commerce, Mesryiyet Caddessi No.34, Tepbasi Beyoghi, Istanbul

Some useful terms of abuse to help you get the worst out of the countries you visit:

• ITALIANS etc: Greaseballs. Dagos. Wops. Candles. Spaghetti-eaters. Ice-cream salesmen. Eye-ties.
• EGYPTIANS: Gippos. Yellowbellies. Anti-yids. Sphinctas.
• FRENCH: Froggies. Bloody French (N.B. The French are very easily insulted by the British. Almost anything will do.)
• GERMANS: Krauts. Boche. Sausage-eaters. Square-heads (N.B. The Germans are an appallingly insensitive nation and therefore extremely hard to insult. Try setting fire to them or calling their Mercedes Volkswagens.)
• COLOURED PEOPLE: Best not to even talk to them."

Correspondência (conclusão)

Mother Teresa (1975), Bob Peak (Time Magazine)

Segunda parte da troca de correspondência entre a Princesa Diana e a Madre Teresa, transcrito de Naked Pictures of Famous People de Jon Stewart (a primeira pode ser lida aqui):

"ONE YEAR LATER

January 10, 1996

Hey Girlfriend,

I know it's been a week since my last letter but things have been crazy here. Miss me? Anyway I'll get right to the point. Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty... Fee at last!!! The divorce came through days ago and I couldn't be more pleased. Well... I'm 25 million pounds pleased at least. By the way, how many Royals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?... Give up?... nine!! Prince William to screw it in and the other eight to go fuck themselves.

Your guidance has meant so much to me. I couldn't have had the strength without you. I feel reborn. I've been a Lady so long I've forgotten to be a woman... (not counting the rugby squad I wrote about in my letters of July 17-21).

How are you? How's that thing going in India? Any new men? You're pretty but you always play it down. I wish you'd let me make you over as I requested in my letters of May 12, 1994, August 5, 1994, and March 22, 1995. Now that I'm single again I'm not taking no for an answer. Some of my lesser girlfriends and I are discussing plans for an all-girls Mexican Fiesta in Cabo. If I'm not mistaken there's a margarita there with your name on it. By the way you never answered my question of June 19, 1995—salt or no salt?

Missing you terribly,
Di-Di
Kensington Palace
England

P.S. What has sixteen legs, inbred genetic defects and a giant stick up its ass? Give up?!... The Royal Family!!!!!

---

August 11, 1997

Hey You,

You little scamp!! I hadn't heard from you in ages and I thought maybe you hadn't liked the matching swimsuits I had made for us... and I was actually quite upset about it, until watching the telly one day I find out you've been in hospital. Do you think so little of me that you didn't want to burden me with your troubles? After all we've been through? Well, I've enclosed a get well card, including a bit of philosophy concerning friendship. I don't want to give it away but it's a drawing of two naked imps holding hands with the caption "Friendship is being there for the though times." I believe this has been the credo for our relationship and have personalized the imps by hand to drive the point home. (I'm the imp with the full chest and you're the one with wrinkles.) I only hope you take this message to heart as I'm quite disappointed with your lack of candor about your health. I've also included brownies in this care package. You really should be careful of the food down there. After my unfortunate run-in with an intestinal parasite off the coast of Fiji I've learned the value of hygienic food preparation.

On a more upbeat note, I've met someone!! He's rich and dashing and here's the best part... He's a darkie!!! I think you'll agree that forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest... and won't that burn the Queen Mother's Royal Ass!!!

Luv,
D.

P.S. Don't worry about the sex. We're being safe.

---

October 1, 1997

Dear Earl Charles Spencer,

We were all greatly saddened to hear Princess Diana's untimely passing. As you begin the processes of healing and determining the Princess's final wishes, please keep in mind the Charities of Hope foundation. We know you have wisely begun a foundation in Diana's name, to continue with her good works. As you may know, our late beloved Mother Teresa and the Princess were great friends and continued correspondents. Perhaps it is fate that we continue, in their absence, the relationship they had so energetically forged. Also, to reassure you, it would be a legal write-off.

God Bless You,
Sisters of Charity
Charities of Hope
Calcutta"

Pen Pals (Naked Pictures of Famous People, 1998), Jon Stewart

O futuro é das crianças

Everyone Poops, Taro Gomi

Escatologia para petizes.
Para que a ida à retrete não se torne numa experiência traumática (um problema recorrente no Japão, aparentemente), eis um pequeno livro ilustrado sobre o tema da defecação. Terá sido o que me faltou na infância. Este, e também "The Gas we pass — The Story of Farts".

Potter vs. Skywalker

autor desconhecido (via Dark Roasted Blend)

Mulheres

"Monday
This new creature with the long hair is a good deal in the way. It is always hanging around and following me about. I don't like this; I am not used to company. I wish it would stay with the other animals. Cloudy today, wind in the east; think we shall have rain.... We? Where did I get that word?—I remember now—the new creature uses it.

(...)

Friday
The naming goes recklessly on, in spite of anything I can do. I had a very good name for the estate, and it was musical and pretty—GARDEN OF EDEN. Privately, I continue to call it that, but not any longer publicly. The new creature says it is all woods and rocks and scenery, and therefore has no resemblance to a garden. Says it looks like a park, and does not look like anything but a park. Consequently, without consulting me, it has been new-named—NIAGARA FALLS PARK. This is sufficiently high-handed, it seems to me. And already there is a sign up:

KEEP OFF
THE GRASS

My life is not as happy as it was.

(...)

Monday
The new creature says its name is Eve. That is all right, I have no objections. Says it is to call it by, when I want it to come. I said it was superfluous, then. The word evidently raised me in its respect; and indeed it is a large, good word, and will bear repetition. It says it is not an It, it is a She. This is probably doubtful; yet it is all one to me; what she is were nothing to me if she would but go by herself and not talk.

(...)

Sunday
Pulled through.

(...)

Friday
She says the snake advises her to try the fruit of that tree, and says the result will be a great and fine and noble education. I told her there would be another result, too—it would introduce death into the world. That was a mistake—it had been better to keep the remark to myself; it only gave her an idea—she could save the sick buzzard, and furnish fresh meat to the despondent lions and tigers. I advised her to keep away from the tree. She said she wouldn't. I foresee trouble. Will emigrate."

(...)

At Eve's Grave
Adam: Wheresoever she was, there was Eden."

The Diary of Adam and Eve (1893, 1905), Mark Twain

Os crentes não questionam

Abraham and Isaac, Sam Weber

And Abraham awoke in the middle of the night and said to his only son, Isaac, "I have had a dream where the voice of the Lord sayeth that I must sacrifice my only son, so put your pants on." And Isaac trembled and said, "So what did you say? I mean when He brought this whole thing up?"
"What am I going to say?" Abraham said. "I'm standing there at two A.M. I'm in my underwear with the Creator of the Universe. Should I argue?"
"Well, did he say why he wants me sacrificed?" Isaac asked his father.
But Abraham said, "The faithful do not question. Now let's go because I have a heavy day tomorrow."
And Sarah who heard Abraham's plan grew vexed and said, "How doth thou know it was the Lord and not, say, thy friend who loveth practical jokes, for the Lord hateth practical jokes and whosoever shall pull one shall be delivered into the hands of his enemies whether they pay the delivery charge or not." And Abraham answered, "Because I know it was the Lord. It was a deep, resonant voice, well modulated, and nobody in the desert can get a rumble in it like that."
And Sarah said, "And thou art willing to carry out this senseless act?" But Abraham told her, "Frankly yes, for to question the Lord's word is one of the worst things a person can do, particularly with the economy in the state it's in."
And so he took Isaac to a certain place and prepared to sacrifice him but at the last minute the Lord stayed Abraham's hand and said, "How could thou doest such a thing?"
And Abraham said, "But thou said ---"
"Never mind what I said," the Lord spake. "Doth thou listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?" And Abraham grew ashamed. "Er - not really … no."
"I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou immediately runs out to do it."
And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know when you're kidding."
And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor. I can't believe it."
"But doth this not prove I love thee, that I was willing to donate mine only son on thy whim?"
And the Lord said, "It proves that some men will follow any order no matter how asinine as long as it comes from a resonant, well-modulated voice."
And with that, the Lord bid Abraham get some rest and check with him tomorrow.

in Without Feathers, Woody Allen

Incerteza existencial

Nightmare before Christmas (1993), Tim Burton

O modo lógico de contrariar um papão (nunca se sabe quando poderá ser útil):

"Bogeymen go away if you put your head under the blankets. Everyone knows that, don't they? So if you put their head under a blanket... (...) 'Existential uncertainty,' Angua said. 'He doesn't know whether he exists or not.'"

Feet of Clay (1996), Terry Pratchett