sexta-feira, 7 de março de 2008

Correspondência (conclusão)

Mother Teresa - Time Magazine

Mother Teresa (1975), Bob Peak (Time Magazine)

Segunda parte da troca de correspondência entre a Princesa Diana e a Madre Teresa, transcrito de Naked Pictures of Famous People de Jon Stewart (a primeira pode ser lida aqui):


January 10, 1996

Hey Girlfriend,

I know it's been a week since my last letter but things have been crazy here. Miss me? Anyway I'll get right to the point. Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty... Fee at last!!! The divorce came through days ago and I couldn't be more pleased. Well... I'm 25 million pounds pleased at least. By the way, how many Royals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?... Give up?... nine!! Prince William to screw it in and the other eight to go fuck themselves.

Your guidance has meant so much to me. I couldn't have had the strength without you. I feel reborn. I've been a Lady so long I've forgotten to be a woman... (not counting the rugby squad I wrote about in my letters of July 17-21).

How are you? How's that thing going in India? Any new men? You're pretty but you always play it down. I wish you'd let me make you over as I requested in my letters of May 12, 1994, August 5, 1994, and March 22, 1995. Now that I'm single again I'm not taking no for an answer. Some of my lesser girlfriends and I are discussing plans for an all-girls Mexican Fiesta in Cabo. If I'm not mistaken there's a margarita there with your name on it. By the way you never answered my question of June 19, 1995—salt or no salt?

Missing you terribly,
Kensington Palace

P.S. What has sixteen legs, inbred genetic defects and a giant stick up its ass? Give up?!... The Royal Family!!!!!

August 11, 1997

Hey You,

You little scamp!! I hadn't heard from you in ages and I thought maybe you hadn't liked the matching swimsuits I had made for us... and I was actually quite upset about it, until watching the telly one day I find out you've been in hospital. Do you think so little of me that you didn't want to burden me with your troubles? After all we've been through? Well, I've enclosed a get well card, including a bit of philosophy concerning friendship. I don't want to give it away but it's a drawing of two naked imps holding hands with the caption "Friendship is being there for the though times." I believe this has been the credo for our relationship and have personalized the imps by hand to drive the point home. (I'm the imp with the full chest and you're the one with wrinkles.) I only hope you take this message to heart as I'm quite disappointed with your lack of candor about your health. I've also included brownies in this care package. You really should be careful of the food down there. After my unfortunate run-in with an intestinal parasite off the coast of Fiji I've learned the value of hygienic food preparation.

On a more upbeat note, I've met someone!! He's rich and dashing and here's the best part... He's a darkie!!! I think you'll agree that forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest... and won't that burn the Queen Mother's Royal Ass!!!


P.S. Don't worry about the sex. We're being safe.

October 1, 1997

Dear Earl Charles Spencer,

We were all greatly saddened to hear Princess Diana's untimely passing. As you begin the processes of healing and determining the Princess's final wishes, please keep in mind the Charities of Hope foundation. We know you have wisely begun a foundation in Diana's name, to continue with her good works. As you may know, our late beloved Mother Teresa and the Princess were great friends and continued correspondents. Perhaps it is fate that we continue, in their absence, the relationship they had so energetically forged. Also, to reassure you, it would be a legal write-off.

God Bless You,
Sisters of Charity
Charities of Hope

Pen Pals (Naked Pictures of Famous People, 1998), Jon Stewart